Gladiator/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW If you like to fish, but you don't have a boat, you end up spending your whole life casting from shore, and you never get your bait out in the middle where the big ones live. So here's what you do. Get yourself an old flintlock musket. You get it from a museum or an old guy or you could probably make one out of a bicycle or something. Then you just ram the powder and the wadding in there just like they used to back in the old days, you know, when killing something was a real pain in the neck. In this case the ball of lead you drop in is actually a sinker, and it's hooked onto your fishing lure and the whole thing is attached to your fishing line. Then all you have to do is just aim it where the fish are at, and you're in business. [ applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. All right. Appreciate it very much. Just got back from the plumbing store in town. The place was jammed to the eyeballs. That's because the plumbing store is also the community theatre and they're having auditions this week for another one of their yawn fests. I went in there for piece of drain pipe, but I ran out of time, so just gonna re-install this old one here. It's still good. [ breathing heavily ] hey, red, do you have a sweat -- sweat -- a sweatband, like an extra -- an extra sweatband? If I had an sweatband at all, dalton, it would be an extra one, believe me. What are you trying to do? Kill yourself so you can collect the insurance? No, no, trying to get in shape for the community theatre auditions. I'm just about exhausted from all this jogging. Oh, yeah? How far have you gone? Oh, just from the door to here. Uphill, yeah. It's all uphill! I gotta get in shape, red. You know, they're doing a stage version of the movie "gladiator." oh, yeah, no, I saw that one. That's where the guy fights everybody to the death. That's the part I want, the lead. That's gonna take a fair bit of acting? No, no, I'll be ready, red. And get this. They've already cast the love interest. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Flinty mclintock's wife. That's a pretty good looking woman to be hanging out with a guy like you, huh? Well, that's show business. Oh, dalton, dalton, I gotta go. How does anne marie feel about you doing the hoochie kootchie with flinty's wife? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Dalton, you'd better be under that bridge when you come to it. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ applause ] today's winner walks away with a coupon for two free bunnies from possum lake's only adoption agency for rabbits, hare transplants. Okay, red, you have 30 seconds to get dwight -- yeah, cover your ears -- to say this word. Yeah, all right, winston. And go! Okay, dwight, when you see someone working really hard you say, boy, that guy sure is... An idiot. Okay, this is a person who does a whole lot of things, just go, go, go all the time. You can see that guy is... Not from my family. All right, when a guy retires everybody says the most important thing is to stay... Sober. Okay, think of an expression, "as something as a bee." I don't know any bees, red. Oh, come on, dwight. This is darned easy. What comes to your mind when you think of bees? Having to move. Now, think, dwight. They're called worker bees. There's gotta be a reason for that. Not necessarily. It could just be a job title that doesn't represent what they really do, like service manager. You're just about out of time here. All right. Okay, dwight, you're at the marina, you suddenly realize you haven't done a darned thing all day, you think to yourself, boy, I better get... An assistant. What? Oh, yeah, I need one. This is our busy season. There we go! [ applause ] when it smells so bad it curls your toes and soon it gets into your hair and your clothes, don't stand out front holding your nose. Get me out back holding my hose. There we go. Man, I sure get my share of flat tires. Must've picked up a nail or something. You know, the trouble with having a flat tire is the time you lose having to pull over to the side of the road and change them. Wouldn't it be great if you could change your tire without stopping or even slowing down? 'cause sometimes on the road you get a soft shoulder there, and jacking up a vehicle can be very dangerous. So today I'm going to show you how you can make your very own mobile wheel changer. Okay, the first thing you need are a couple of ladders. They sell 'em now where they have the wheels on the one end for climbing walls or whatever. Well, you wanna put wheels on the other end as well. I would suggest taking wheels off an old baby carriage because, at my age, a fully functional baby carriage is just a cruel reminder of what once was, but is no more. Okay, you got your ladder, you got your wheels. Now you need to take a couple of these mini hydraulic jacks to attach the ladder safely and securely to the vehicle. Okay, as you can see I got the ladder runnin' all the way down the side there, I've got the jack at this end, and I've extended the ladder a fair ways out the back where my emergency wheels are there. That'll keep me a fair distance from the disaster should that occur, which is certainly well within the realm of possibility. All right, let's give 'er a go. [ tire blows ] okay, here's a chance to demonstrate our mobile wheel changer. That was lucky. Step one... Set the cruise control. Okay, this is where you have to be a little bit creative. I got my jack handle here. Work my way down to the back. Then instead of jacking the car up, I'm going to jack the ladder down. Whoa. [ horn honking ] tailgater! Okay, this is where it gets a little bit tricky. I gotta get the spare outta here without losing my balance, and I gotta get it back onto the wheel before we come to that curve in the road. You know, I find today's cars tend to be overbuilt anyway, you know. I'm sure one nut is enough. It is in my family. And it's just that easy. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ tire blows ] I got an idea I wanna run by all you middle-aged guys out there. You know, when I was 19 the legal drinking age was 21, so me and my friends had to get fake I.D. From wherever, just so we could get into the bars. Now, that didn't work real well for me. That's because my fake I.D. Said I was a 27-year-old oriental woman. Now, pretty soon I got my 56th birthday comin' up, and nothin' special about it. I'm lookin' back over my life. I'd say I'm a pretty average 56-year-old. I mean, I look my age, and I got about the same faculties as an average person. And I know a lot of 56-year-old guys, so I'm painfully aware of just how depressing those statements are. So now my idea is I'm thinking about using fake I.D. Again. Now, you may look at me and not be that impressed that I'm 56, but what if I could prove to you that I was 73? You'd think that was pretty special, all the energy, the not completely addled brain, the significant hair retention. I mean, I'd be the most amazing 73-year-old you ever saw, other than tina turner. And you know what? We all win with this idea. I feel good from the compliments, and you start lookin' forward to being a senior citizen. Remember I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. You know my personal self-help guru anthony anthony? He says that men don't communicate very well with each other, eh? It's true. No. We should do somethin' about that. Red: Well, he didn't mean us. Well, sure he did, red. Come on. We sit in this boat all day long, and we barely say two words to each other. Red: Well, I'm thinkin' of those two words right now, winston. Mike: You know, maybe he's right, mr. Green. I mean, this would be a perfect opportunity to have interpersonal communication. Winston: I'll tell you what. Why don't each of us think of something, you know, about ourselves? Something important. Something that we ordinarily wouldn't share with each other. Who wants to go first? Winston: I'll go first. Oh, boy. With a woman. I've never been I hope you never go to prison. It's true. In my whole life I've never been with a woman. And you know somethin'? Nobody else knows that. Well, the women know it, winston. Mike: Oh, I got one. Red: Now, don't feel you have to top him, all right? Ah -- ah, once, when I was in church, I emptied the collection plate into my pocket. Oh, yeah? [ chuckling ] that was a poor choice. Yeah. [ chuckling ] well, what about you, mr. Green? What's your secret? Well, this is a little embarrassing, but actually, I have never changed the oil in the possum van. Gonna be sick. I think I'm come on, now. Well, no, I mean I've changed the filter once, you know. Well, you started this. Ah, I'm appalled. Well, maybe so, but you went way over the line. I feel violated. Well, I got my new piece of drain pipe. I got it from -- well, it doesn't matter where I got it. I just gotta hide it for a few days. That should be fine. There we go. [ laughter, cheering and applause ] hail caesar! What the 'hail' are you doin'? I'm trying to get into character for the audition. What do you think, huh? Do pantyhose come in kryptonite? Red, this is the way that gladiators looked, all right? We're not supposed to be pretty boys. We're fierce warriors! Ahhhhhhhh! Hey! Hey! Take it easy! Take it easy! That was pretty good. I was acting. You were acting stupid is what you were doing. What? Listen, red. I am going to get the part. I'm gonna live the life of a powerful man. 'cause I've never done that. And I'm gonna have flinty mclintock's wife right by my side. There's just one thing missing. A suicide note? No, I need an agent. I want you to be my agent, red. Yeah, all you have to do is stand there with your arms crossed and say no to everything. You know, bernice might be a better choice. Red, I will give you ten percent of my paycheque. Can we make it 15? See, you're good! You are good. And you are gonna make me a star. Easy. Easy. Ahhhhhhh! Careful. Careful. Die! Die, caesar! [ metal clanging ] oh! Oh! [ chuckling ] I had no idea. I don't know. Red: So mike had asked us to meet him behind the lodge with an extension ladder. He was bringing a bicycle with a bad brake, apparently. And that went -- that went -- well, we couldn't quite figure out what he had in mind. He said he wanted us to help him build somethin'. It was a sailboat. He wanted us to help him build a sailboat. Well, okay, that's fine. We couldn't figure out the connection between the bike and the ladders, but with mike it's better not to ask questions. You end up in court as a character witness. So he said he had everything to build a sailboat around the corner, so we brought the stuff 'round. And, you know, the mystery really wasn't solved just by seeing wha -- I just -- it was a -- something under a tarp that did not look sailboat-like to me. But, yeah, we don't get it. What is it? So he's, okay -- off comes the tarp. And, no that's a -- that would be a van. I don't understand how that could possibly be -- oh, is the stuff inside? Oh, the stuff's -- well, the door had rusted kinda shut. Give 'er a good -- you build up your strength in prison, apparently, and you can really -- if you set your mind to it. He's a powerful guy, that mike. Okay, I still wasn't sure how this could become a sailboat, but mike seemed pleased about it. Now, putting the hat on is maybe not enough, mike, but then he showed us the wheels could attach to the steering wheel, and walter had the bicycle there to pull the sail in. And my job was to attach the extension ladder to the rear of the van, which is now the front of the boat, apparently. And then mike says, just hoist the mizzenmast, or whatever it is, and up she goes. And we got the tarp as a sail, and, by golly, by the time walter wheeled her in, hey, we were underway. And, uh, kinda different. What mike hadn't -- that was unfortunate. What he hadn't realized was that there's a kind of a low bridge between the lodge and the town, lower than, say, the mast. And so walter and I bailed out, but mike, he took the hit for the team, and of course the problem now is that mike really can't see where he's going, and, of course, there is the quarry there. His version of the "perfect storm," but I think mike is finished with sailing. Another power boater in the making. This is the portion of the show we feature those three little words men find so hard to say... Audience! I don't know! Okay, today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts, I have a rather unusual problem. "I'm a happily married man, "yet I have fallen in love with another woman." oh, geez, read another letter, winston. Get somethin' on time travel or puttin' a barbeque together. No, no, no, no, this is exactly the type of letter that we should be answering. It gives all of us a chance to show our sensitivity and compassion. All right, all right. Go ahead, winston. Harold will answer it. Okay. "whenever I see her, my heart beats faster, "I get a lump in my throat, and I break out in a cold sweat." okay, could be love. Could be malaria. My guess is if it lasts, it's probably malaria. You said I could answer this one. All right, I'm sorry. All right. Well, lemme answer it. All right. Lemme answer it. All right. Lemme answer it. Go ahead, winston. Oh, yes he is. "I'm not a nut or anything." oh, yeah, whenever they say they're not a nut, he's not a nut! They're a nut, believe me. He's a person with a problem, and we are going to help him solve it. Read on, winston. "I'm in love with queen elizabeth" [ laughter ] "should I tell my wife now or wait until I'm king?" signed, "on the throne." okay, I'm going to need a minute. Well, I'm not. Don't tell your wife a thing until you become king. That way, if she gives you any grief at all, you can have her locked up in scotland. That's not how you become king. For instance, what's the name of the husband of queen elizabeth right now? Prince philip. Prince philip. Exactly. Not "king" philip. See, marrying the queen doesn't automatically make you king. Geez, I never noticed that before. See, I think this fella's gonna have to re-think his whole plan. I don't think the answer is marrying queen elizabeth. Oh, I agree. That'd be weird bein' married to the queen, havin' her face on all your money. [ laughter ] instead of just havin' her hands on your money. [ laughter ] oh, I'm just kiddin', bernice. Now, my advice to this person is if you want to be married to a queen, then you could practice by treating the wife you have like one now. Audience: A-a-a-a-ah. You know what? That is sound advice for any married man. You guys have no idea what you're talking about. If you come to sit down to dinner and there's a nine-inch flame on your candle, you better get your septics pumped out, or you'll have more on your plate than you can handle. Well, I just came back from the auditions. I'll tell you, it's no fun bein' an agent. I just made a couple of very simple demands regarding rate of pay and dressing room beverages, and the next thing you know they kicked me out of the theatre and told me never to come back. And that's the only plumbing store in the tri-county area! [ cheering and applause ] dalton, that was not my fault. Okay, those morons don't know talent. I tell you what, I'm going to get you out of community theatre into the big money. Advertising. How do you feel about wearing a chicken suit and handing out flyers? Listen, red. Listen to me. Oh, I knew you would. I got the part. There's just a small problem. Well, I'm a problem-solver, dalton. That's why you pay me the 25 percent. I thought it was 20 percent! He's right. I am good. Well, flinty mclintock's wife cancelled. She's not gonna play the empress. She's off to do a one-woman show for the port asbestos seedless fruit festival. And the producers pulled the old switcheroo on me. Hey, wait a minute. They can't do that. You won that part. You are maximus. You won it fairus and squarus. And I won't let them "shaftus." they didn't switch me. They switched the leading lady! Yes! What? [ laughter and applause ] you are rome, and I belong to rome. Take me. Red, we have to play a love scene! It's very tasteful. Well, we'll sure find out if you can act. [ possum squealing ] yeah, you guys go ahead. Meeting time. I'll be down in a minute. Oh! Carry me? Away you go. [ applause ] so if my wife is watching, I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting, and I had another life lesson today. I learned that it's better to die by the sword than to have a same sex love scene with an ex-con. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Winston: Everybody sit. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change. If I have to, I guess. All right, guys, dalton's just informed me that he's bowing out of the play, so the role of maximus is up for grabs. Who wants it? I get to pick! Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com